so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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