My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
