I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
