Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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