My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
His hands were made for my vagina.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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