When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize