By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
