sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
