my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize