He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
