So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
