i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
