Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I smell stomach acid.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
