After last night, I could never be a politician.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
