when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize