why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
