I accidentally had phone sex last night
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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