my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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