My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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