Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
