How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
