Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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