Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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