first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I wish there were birth control emojis
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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