if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
