Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
