What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Randomize
