She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
