Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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