Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
