Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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