my phone needs a breathalizer
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
