my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
