There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize