She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
