Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My dick has a subreddit
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
i now understand why vodka
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
