come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize