I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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