i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
