woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
