What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
