oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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