Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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