4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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