Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
