I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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