Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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