I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize