just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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