dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
