It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
