i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
