oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
MIDGETS
????
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
