so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
