I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
