he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
