I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
bring money and cleavage
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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