I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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