Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize