i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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