The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
